Woven from locally sourced organic hemp, the full-cup brassiere is reminiscent of the cumbersome harnesses that women in the 1960s burned to show their dissatisfaction with being viewed as horses in need of a bridle, so the item will undoubtedly be a huge hit with hipsters who are always looking back for tomorrow’s big thing.
The bra’s designer, Dandy Goat publisher Franklin J. Dubbles, says that the Bernie Bra serves aesthetic, practical and political functions.
“Anyone can wear this handsome thing, not just women or those who’ve transitioned to that thin slice of the gender spectrum pie,” he said. “Half the gentlemen I know are fat schlubs with man tits anyway, and everyone else can use the Bernie Bra to store things like cranberries, body lotion and USB power packs.”
“And because the Bernie Bra is free, literally anyone can afford it, which proves that our country is finally getting around to fixing equality,” he said. “No longer will working-class single mothers be forced to shoplift two coconut shells and a bit of twine from Hobby Lobby just to keep their boobs from sagging to their ankles.”
When asked who will pay for the 50,000 or so Bernie Bras that have already been pre-ordered, Dubbles says that this question illustrates how the federal government is failing.
“In Sweden, underwear of every kind is free, giving the people leisure time to play the mandolin and go skydiving, rather than worry about how they’re going to scrape together 200 krona for simple lace panties,” he said. “Even developing countries like Venezuela make sure that every woman gets a free bra manufactured from recycled egg cartons and undies made from discarded tissue paper.”
Dubbles says that members of Congress should come together to pass legislation ensuring that every American man and woman has access to a Bernie Bra.
“They pay sugar farmers to grow sugar and teachers to teach, so why not pay bra makers to make bras?” he said. “Last I heard, we spent 68 trillion dollars on a helicopter that doesn’t even work, and do we really need to send another person to Mars?”
“Let’s withdraw troops from the Middle East and sign a treaty to end this awful war with ISIS,” he added. “Our nation’s breasts are hanging the balance, and if we don’t act now, we may find ourselves in a real slump.”