On Thursday, voters in Scotland will decide if they wish to remain part of the United Kingdom. What is British prime minister David Cameron offering in a last-ditch effort to secure a vote against Scottish independence?
– A repeal of the law requiring Scots to donate blood for English schoolchildren to drink
– An end to the custom of automatically mocking Scottish colleagues as soon as they leave the room
– Exclusive rights to use North Sea oil reserves to fry food
– A change from the current British tourism campaign “Scotland: Not As Miserable As You’d Think”
– The Queen’s agreement to stop transforming into the monster Grendel and terrorizing Scotland during harvest moons
– An order for the creepy 300-year-old English soldiers posted at the border to finally stand down
– A promise to indefinitely keep Tony Blair