'Welcome to the 21st century, USA,' say European countries still headed by monarchs

Surprisingly, this image of a British queen isn’t from the 16th century, but rather the 1950s when a woman named Elizabeth, who was deemed to have superior blood or something, became Queen of the United Kingdom. She’s still sitting on her throne today, and even though the UK is a somewhat modern country, subjects are still supposed to bow to her and kiss her feet or something like that. — Surprisingly, this picture of a queen isn’t from the 16th century. It was adapted from a photo taken in the 1950s when a woman named Elizabeth, deemed to have superior blood or something, became Queen of the United Kingdom. She’s still sitting on her throne today, and even though the UK is a somewhat modern country, British subjects are still supposed to bow to her and lick the gaps between her toes and things like that.

Thrilled by social and political progress the United States has made the past few years, several European countries have publicly welcomed the superpower to the 21st century.

“The U.S.A. has shown considerable effort in modernizing its healthcare system, thereby joining the rest of us in this new era,” said the United Kingdom, which actually is — if you can believe it — still a kingdom, much as those we read about in fairy tales, where royals lead lives of privilege and luxury and live in fancy castles.

“We are all proud of our friends across the Atlantic Ocean for finally understanding that economic inequality needs to be fixed,” said Belgium, whose King Philippe was crowned last year in a lavish ceremony at the royal palace in Brussels — a palace that was renovated with spoils from Belgium’s terrifying colonial grip on a large chunk of Africa — after which he stood on the stately balcony and waved to peasants who had assembled below.

“It’s a great relief to see American states like Colorado and Washington adopt modern, sensible drug laws, and it’s our hope the other states will follow them into the future,” said the Netherlands, whose King Willem-Alexander must be referred to as “His Majesty,” just like in those movies about the Middle Ages, with knights and jesters and all that.

“Bravo to the U.S., where many states are taking the brave step toward modernizing relationships by recognizing same-sex marriages,” said Monaco, whose playboy prince Albert II is known to have had many children out of wedlock, yet who receive no official recognition or rights of inheritance because of Albert’s golden status as prince.

At least one compliment was reserved for an American individual.

“Congratulations to Edward Snowden, an exemplary American who is showing that even in this modern age of widespread state surveillance, authority can and will be checked and held accountable,” said Sweden, long known to be a hub of progressive social and economic policies, yet whose king Carl XVI Gustaf still enjoys almost total legal immunity from prosecution.

The United States has not issued a formal response, but sources say it’s honored, having tried for several years to get Europe to like it again.