A reality television star from California who wore lingerie in a recent photo shoot is being hailed as the nation’s bravest living hero.
“Fitting all of his man parts into that tight outfit looks terribly difficult,” said Shawna Perez, an unexceptional Army captain who lost both legs several years ago after an IED exploded under her Humvee during a patrol near a newly built school in Iraq. “I hope somebody helped him.”
Baltimore public school teacher Darlene Jones, who is invisible to all but her impoverished students, says she’s in awe of the star’s ability to confront an overwhelmingly sympathetic public.
“That must be awful getting warm touches, nods of approval, and applause every time you get interviewed by Oprah,” she said. “If you’re like me, you feel better when people kick you the shins, when they see you at all.”
Alaska hospice volunteer Vince Denton, who in high school was voted “least likely to be remembered for anything,” says that the star is an inspiration to us all.
“Those photo lights get hot as hell, and I’ll bet it was very uncomfortable sitting under them for a few hours,” he said. “This one time, our boiler went out and we had to use heat lamps to prevent patients from freezing to death. It was okay when I sat far away, but up close I broke into a terrible sweat.”