NEW YORK — Fearful that a Trump presidency will usher in a thousand years of jingoism and irreversibly cripple Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, the editor of the left-leaning news publication Vox has casually handed out cyanide capsules to the eight writers present at what may be the final staff meeting.
“So if Trump wins, let’s immediately get something up about how white, self-appointed election observers scared away black and Latino voters in crucial districts in swing states, and I’m thinking that you, Katrina [Harrison], should start working on that right away, see if you can find witnesses willing to corroborate that,” said editor-in-chief Ezra Klein. “Oh, and these little capsules that I’m passing around contain cyanide.”
“It’s also important that we investigate premature announcements of a Trump victory in some eastern states by the usual right-wing suspects, Fox News, Drudge, and Breitbart, to see how that might have discouraged voters in blue states from trekking to crowded polling stations to vote, so if I could get someone to work on that, that’d be great,” Klein continued. “You just put the capsule in the back of your mouth and clench it between your molars.”
“Also, we need to get something up right away about soul-searching among progressives, about penitence but emphasizing a roadmap to winning more congressional seats in 2018 and getting the presidency in 2020,” he added. “All you need to do is bite down, but not before all the results come in of course, and you won’t feel any pain. Just release.”
Before adjourning the meeting, Klein thanked everyone for their unwavering support of the candidate who would hopefully be the nation’s first female president and said that, should Clinton end up winning the presidency, the first article posted on Vox should be a detailed explanation of how changing demographics in Florida and other formerly Republican strongholds made a Clinton victory inevitable.