While many of the nation’s citizens are financially struggling, the U.S. government has been in possession of at least two large machines that can print vast sums of money — using everyday materials like cotton, linen and ink.
“That our own government has been hiding these means of creating wealth is an outrage,” said Alex Huizar, a 38-year-old who had joined a large crowd outside a heavily-guarded building in Fort Worth, Texas — where one of the machines is said to be kept.
A woman standing on a wooden ladder and speaking into a megaphone called for an immediate seizure of the machines, saying they belonged to the people.
“These crooks have been denying us free money for too long,” she said amid cheers. “They have been hoarding these magic money machines, printing out cornucopias of dollars for themselves and their children, while many of us work four or five full-time jobs, just to make ends meet.”
“I say we storm the building,” she said as security guards tried to entice her to climb down the ladder. “Let’s secure the machines and start printing money for the people, by the people.”
Roberta Pearson, a student employee at the University of North Texas copy center, estimates that if the two machines are set to only print 100-dollar bills and are calibrated to run at top speed, everyone in the United States can be given a million dollars by the end of November.
Assuming enough cotton, linen and ink can be obtained, by next summer every American could be the happy owner of a billion dollars, according to Pearson.
“In a single generation,” Pearson said, “we could even print enough money to eradicate poverty across the globe, ushering in an era of peace and prosperity that could last a thousand years.”
“It’s truly sickening that the government has been lying to us this whole time,” she added.
A vocal and obviously deranged man also stood with the crowd, stinking of alcohol and shouting his paranoid fears that if we flood the world with dollars, the price of important household items will skyrocket.
“What about teeth-whitening strips?” he said, being driven away by loud booes. “Starbucks Frappacinos and colorful iPhone cases? These are going to cost all of you thousands of bucks if we just start doling out dollars.”
One real concern that experts are discussing is potentially insufficient airport runway space — as well as a lack of trained air traffic controllers — if everyone in the country starts flying around in their own 65-million-dollar Gulfstream jet.