CARACAS, Venezuela — The U.S. has been positively identified as the culprit behind Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro’s debilitating hemorrhoids, according to his press office.
“On or around the tenth of February, I was informed by my intelligence agency that the United States was plotting to spark a coup and eventual takeover of Venezuela with use of a single military jet,” Maduro said in a statement.
The 52-year-old former bus driver says that he was confused by the plot, so he went to his private library to read up on military strategy and U.S. weaponry, wondering what kind of jet could wield such power. The subjects he was attempting to tackle were so complex, he says, that he was forced to spend all his waking hours to get through them, even when he was on the toilet, effectively causing him to develop hemorrhoids.
“I strained so hard, both physically and mentally, that my anus is now totally inflamed, and I can barely sit through a meeting with my advisors without having to leave the room so I can deal with the ferocious itching,” he said. “Fortunately, Venezuelan scientists have developed a cream that rivals that of the Northern capitalist aggressors, but unfortunately my security team would not let me use the plastic applicator, seeing as how the CIA could hide a bullet inside of it.”
“I was forced to use my own finger,” he added.
The White House and the State Department have both called the claims of U.S. involvement in the plot “ludicrous,” which to many in Maduro’s socialist government is a clear admission of guilt.