Authorities in Britain have warded off an assault by a loathsome American rumored to possess the power to convince otherwise virtuous women into having filthy carnal relations with him.
Julien Blanc, 26, a self-described “dating expert” who was slated for a 2015 UK tour giving lessons how to use common mind tricks to get women into bed, was denied a visa by the Home Office after an online petition gathered the signatures of more than 100,000 upstanding British citizens.
After the news of the visa denial was announced on Wednesday, jubilant crowds took to the streets of major cities including Attleborough and Derby, breaking into musical renditions of the Victorian poem “Come into the Garden, Maud.”
“Whilst it’s a well-known fact that American women spread their legs for any man who tips his hat or tosses them a penny, we British women have an entirely different set of values, and we carefully guard and cultivate our virginity like a precious rose,” said Lynne Featherstone, a member of parliament from London. “Here, we don’t pull down our knickers till we marry our heart’s true love.”
Journalist Sarah Ditum says she is pleased by the decision, as God and country must be defended against the propagation of Blanc’s school of seduction, proffering foul methods such as that being callous toward women will fool them into consensual copulation. Ditum says that if such ideas are allowed in Great Britain, they will spread and fester, ruining a genteel male population that was brought up to think of women only as mothers or sisters.
If unchecked, Ditum warns, these ideas could even end up harming Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
“Tis a day to rejoice, for the blight has been averted, but let us not rest nor delude ourselves into believing the war against women is over, and that victory is ours,” she said. “For every Julien Blanc who wishes to come to our shores, infect our lads with wicked concepts, and deflower our women, there are thousands of men like him — creeping about in the shadows and alleys, sharing misogynistic chat-up lines, sitting drunkenly in pubs and casting flirty gazes at vulnerable women who’ve only stopped in to warm their hands with a cup of tea.”
Ditum and several other thinkers say the next step will be to cleanse the internet of any mention of Julien Blanc, his organization Real Social Dynamics (RSD), and his ideas.
“British women deserve to be treated like ladies, not brazen hussies you only approach because you want to stick your John Thomas in them,” she said. “We don’t want some dodgy Julien Blanc protégé trying to manipulate us. We want to be wooed first, to be charmed. Then they can fuck our brains out.”