Saying he’s been eyeing the country for a long time but was waiting for its appraised value to drop, business mogul Donald Trump had placed a record-breaking bid for the purchase of the United States.
The thrice-married investment guru and reality TV star says he’s already consulted with America’s board of directors, who feel that a takeover by the Trump Organization is in the best interest of the nation’s some 16,000 shareholders.
“[The U.S.] is a good place with decent infrastructure and a lot of capital and untapped resources, but in recent years it’s sagged under its own weight due to poor management and low employee morale,” Trump said. “Also, the current knucklehead CEO has failed to respond to the loss of market share to competitors such as China and Russia.”
“I am officially offering $9 billion for the United States so we can make this country profitable again,” he said. “We need someone who can take the U.S. brand and make it great again, and that person is me.”
If the deal is approved by the Department of Justice, which could happen by November of next year, Trump says he will rebrand the country as USA! and have the new slogan “Business Is Good Here” printed on all federal documents and currency. He’ll also give the White House a much-needed makeover so that it looks more like the home of a 21st century billionaire chief executive — and less like some rustic plantation house of a wig-wearing colonial gentleman.
Trump is also promising to motivate the country’s estimated 180 million employees with attractive bonuses if they reach their sales goals, and he says he will construct exciting new theme parks and give free entrance to everyone who receives positive yearly evaluations.