“Governor Christie, with his proven digestive tract record and an impressive appetite for reform, is the ideal candidate to oversee the country’s some 4500 chophouses, steakhouses, roadhouses, sizzlers and other eateries that specialize in grilled, broiled and pan-fried cuts of beef,” Trump said on Monday.
While the appointment of Christie — long seen as a dining establishment figure — is being applauded by moderates in the GOP and steakhouse waitstaff everywhere as a smart choice, more conservative Republicans are fuming.
“Do Americans really want the federal government telling them where to find the juiciest ribeye, when everyone knows that it’s Delmar’s Grill in downtown Houston?” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “We don’t need Governor Christie and unelected Washington bureaucrats telling us that tenderloins are the best cuts when folks around here know that t-bones are mighty fine.”
Sources predict that Christie’s first move will be to update the Department of Steak’s website so that more Americans will to able to easily find out where a man can get a decent dry-aged porterhouse around here. Also, Christie will likely implement new rules requiring steakhouses to provide comically oversized bibs to every adult who requests one, and to award t-shirts that say “I Ate The Biggest Cut” to any customer who finishes a 72-ounce steak and three side dishes in under an hour, according to sources.