A spokesperson for Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign is asking the public to reserve judgment, saying that the candidate has not yet assumed his final, terrifying form.
Deputy campaign manager Lorie Chradalsky says that in a few days, Trump will retire to his Manhattan penthouse where he will hang upside down from a wooden beam, weave a cocoon around himself, and spend up to ten days digesting his own body while transforming into a “totally amped up” version of his former self.
“Afterwards, he’ll chew a hole through the sinewy walls of his encasement and emerge into the fifth and final phase of his life,” Chradalsky said. “Losers will recoil in fear, but his fans will love it.”
While some of Trump’s opponents are already calling the act “a gruesome publicity stunt” that disqualifies Trump from the presidency, Chradalsky says that the process is “100 percent natural” and is not uncommon among strong personalities who adapt in order to face new challenges.
“This is no different from the molting that Hillary [Clinton] has done throughout her snaky life as she turned from a brainy law student into an Arkansas governor’s folksy wife, into a tough-talking New York senator,” Chradalsky said.
Many of Trump’s fans are delighted by the announcement, saying that they can only imagine what sort of unapologetic alpha male billionaire will emerge from the cocoon.
“I’m thinking that he’ll grow to be 100 feet tall, and have some sort of powerful, spiny tail that he can use to sweep all the illegal immigrants away,” said Mark Thorson, a real estate agent from Wyoming.
Ohio bagel shop owner Trisha Arsch, who says that she became a huge Donald Trump fan when she noticed that the media were aligned against him, says that she envisions him growing an even longer and sharper tongue that will take out hecklers and journalists with a mere flick.
“Something along the lines of a razor-sharp proboscis that he can just sort of roll up inside his mouth, kind of like a garden hose,” she said.
A team of entomologists, herpetologists, political strategists and medical professionals will be present to ensure that Trump’s metamorphosis is successfully completed, and to verify that his four wings are strong enough for flight and that his compound eyes will be able to tolerate bright stage lights.
Some members of the public will be permitted to observe Trump inside his cocoon, according to his campaign, but they will be required to wear protective goggles and raincoats in case acidic sputum or bile are expelled during the transformation. Individuals who suffer from epilepsy, are sensitive to strong smells, or are easily frightened will be advised to stay away.
“And visitors will have to agree to keep their voices low, and to not poke, lacerate, or otherwise disturb the cocoon,” Chradalsky said. “If the process is interrupted, the results could be disastrous and we’ll have a national emergency on our hands.”