Celebrities aren’t born “celebrities.” They earn the title by performing brave and ingenious feats that are eventually “celebrated” by ordinary people.
2013 was a great year for celebrity feats — from Oprah destroying a Swiss boutique for daring to hire staff who aren’t fluent in English, to Russell Brand calling for a global revolution in men’s hairstyles.
What are the top celebrity feats of 2013?
Beyoncé and the hand — When a male fan slapped Beyoncé’s butt at a concert in Denmark, did the former member of Destiny’s Child let the member of the patriarchy get away? Not on your life. The furious diva lopped off the man’s hand with pocket knife and held the bloody appendage aloft while berserk concertgoers cheered. As a warning to other potential gropers, Beyoncé wears the poor creep’s shriveled hand around her neck when she goes on tour.
John Kerry calling out Bashar al-Assad — How does Secretary of State John Kerry get on a list of celebrities? Don’t forget that he starred in the reality show “Help Me, I’ve Forgotten How to Make Facial Expressions,” which aired for two seasons in the late 90s. More recently, as head U.S. diplomat, Kerry showed off his macho side when he made a video in which he threatened Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad. “Stop that murderous shit you been doin’,” Kerry said, beating his chest, “or I’ll feed your mustache to you ass, with your lip still attached.”
Kerry’s bold move might have worked had Russian president Vladimir Putin not posted a video response on YouTube telling Kerry to leave his boy Assad alone. Kerry rightly abided by the former judo champion’s order.
You’re still top dog in our eyes, John Kerry.
Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, and the making of a future monarch — After her marriage to William in 2011, the British princess faced a lot of pressure to produce an heir to the throne. So what did the crafty former commoner do? Why, she swiped some of her husband’s royal DNA and wed it with her own, thus producing a cute little zygote that grew into an embryo that could have gone on to rule as a miniature monarch. Rather than stopping there, Kate kept the tiny royal in her belly, tirelessly promoting its growth into a baby — a baby who is officially the property of Her Majesty Elizabeth II.
Keep it up, Kate!
Jon Stewart takes a stab at writing a joke — While he’s known more for being witty than for his wits, Stewart was Johnny-on-the-Spot when his team of writers fell victim to the flu this year. The sharp-tongued host of “The Daily Show” picked up a pen and wrote a joke of his own. Even though the show’s director eventually asked Stewart not to deliver the joke, having attempted to write one showed great inventiveness.
You’re super, Jon Stewart!