Tim Cook to unveil iJihad social media platform

Apple to unveil iJihad social media platform

‘Apple-hu akhbar!’ Syrian ISIS fighters in the desert on Tuesday.

Pushing back against FBI demands that Apple provide access to the iPhone of dead San Bernardino terrorist Syed Farook, Apple CEO Tim Cook is set to announce the launch of a new mobile terror platform, tentatively nicknamed iJihad, later this week.

The platform will combine the best features of iMessage, Facebook and Dropbox to provide a one-stop shop for terrorist communications and networking.

Interviewed by the Dandy Goat’s terrorism and technology correspondent, Apple spokesperson Barry Pylon says that the platform will ensure that Apple continues to lead the way in terrorist communications security.

“We’ve always been at the cutting edge of terrorist communications innovation,” said Pylon. “For example, with the launch of the first iPhone we saw a quantum leap in terrorist productivity. It was the first mobile device to not only allow the remote detonation of an IED but also use its rear-facing camera to film the attack.”

“Not many people know this, but iMessage was developed directly in response to the needs of terrorist groups who were concerned that the NSA had developed the capability to track their cell phone calls,” Pylon added. “And the release of iOS 7 was the first time that jihadists had the functionality to automatically upload footage of beheadings and send it to media outlets via iMessage from an anonymous account.”

The new iJihad platform will go even further, allowing simultaneous live streaming of terrorist attacks on multiple social media platforms. At the same time, training manuals and plans for constructing IEDs and can be securely held in password-protected cloud storage and accessed by anyone with the iJihad app on their Apple mobile device.

It’s reported that Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is an Apple fanboy, and that he is in discussions with the corporation over sharing rights to the use the Apple logo. Initial design work has already been carried out on a new ISIS flag based on the Apple logo, with the addition of Koranic inscriptions.

The Islamic State’s embrace of Apple technology has been credited with helping the group’s rapid ascent to power in the Middle East, and its supplanting of al-Qaida as the number one terrorist threat to American interests around the world.

Meanwhile, speaking from a cave somewhere on the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan on an audio cassette tape recorded early last year and mailed to a newspaper in Dubai, al-Qaida’s digital media spokesman Ahmed bin Alooni says he has been trying to convince the organization’s leadership to switch to Apple devices for years.

“Unfortunately, Sheik Osama bin Laden — may Allah have mercy on him — became frustrated with Apple in the late 1990’s when they repeatedly failed to support Shockwave player, and he issued a fatwa forbidding the use of Apple products by the brothers,” bin Alooni said.

“We’re hoping that Ayman al-Zawahiri — may Allah give him many sons — will lift the fatwa soon. It’s possible that he may already have done so, but we haven’t heard, because drones keep taking out our couriers. I’d kill to get my hands on the new iPhone 2.”

While Cook’s support for the murderous radical Islamists seems bizarre, colleagues have said that he feels Apple and ISIS share a common bond. Both started life as small insurgent start-ups before growing into globally recognized brands that everybody hates.

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