Following his criticism of Indiana, which may soon pass a law giving pizzeria owners the right to deny gay customers pizza for pizza-themed weddings, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced at a press conference on Thursday that the company will immediately stop doing business in Saudi Arabia, where official punishments for homosexuality includes imprisonment, lashing or even death by stoning.
“My individual conscience does not permit me to look favorably on countries that continue to deny LGBT people the basic right to live freely, nor should Apple make money from such desolate bastions of intolerance and barbarism,” Cook said. “I’ve already given my two cents about Governor Pence and all those babbling Indiana rednecks who elected him, so it’s time we move on to bigger tyrants.”
Cook said that effective immediately, Apple is closing all outlets in Saudi Arabia, and it will cancel all outstanding orders. The company is expected to lose up to $25 million per year of revenue from the oil-rich kingdom, but Cook says neither he nor the shareholders are worried about profits where basic human rights are concerned. He is also vowing to carry on fighting for LGBT causes in other countries where homosexuals are routinely harassed, attacked, and imprisoned by authorities.
“To the homophobes in Uganda, Russia, Qatar, Iran, and UAE, you’re next,” Cook said. “None of you will ever get another email update about exciting Apple products, such as the upcoming invisibility-cloaked iPhone X, or the Apple Helmet, which will be surgically fused to your — oops, I’ve revealed too much.”
Cook added that he is not finished dealing with Indiana, and that voters in the Hoosier State had better kick Governor Pence out before “shit gets real.”
“A little birdie told me you should update your iOS soon, as in right now, because come tomorrow, you might find that your iTunes account has vanished,” Cook said. “And if you want to pre-order an Apple Watch, go to a normal state like Illinois that’s not overrun with Bible-thumping inbreds who want to turn the calendar back to 1650 when pizzerias could deny pizza to a customer just because he stuttered or wore clunky wooden shoes.”