Thousands of terrorists residing in the UK issued a statement today against what they say is an unjust and discriminatory attempt by Mi5 chief Andrew Parker to convince the public they exist.
“We categorically deny Mr. Parker’s assertions that we are here, and that I am speaking,” said a spokesman who asked not be named. “The truth is, we don’t exist.”
“Why draw attention to something you only imagine?” he said. “Does Mr. Parker warn the British public about the pretty redheaded Boots cashier in his dreams — the one who calls him back after he’s left the shop, saying he’s forgotten his sweets, only to vanish the moment he turns around? Of course not. So why is he saying we pose a threat?”
Mi5 has not responded to the complaints, but one source said the agency will likely continue to warn the public about the existence of terrorists, real or not.