Before you put orange paint on your face, slip into your pumpkin costume, and hit the streets in search of candy, check out this helpful list to find out if you should skip the trick-or-treating and instead spend Halloween in a sensitivity camp.
Great idea. Let’s mock the starving and anorexic people of the world at the same time. That’s not offensive, oh no. Here’s a scary idea: leave that skeleton costume in the closet so others won’t know how insensitive you really are.
Do you know how many cats are kept, against their will, as pets? Many of them end up being put to sleep by the very people who are supposed to protect them. Allowing your kid to dress up as a cat is as cute as having her masquerade as a victim of sex trafficking. Let’s strive to be more purr-fect people. Don’t let that cat costume out of the bag, not for Halloween, not for any of your nine lives.
For centuries, cruel little girls have been mocking elderly women suffering from osteoporosis, which is a real disease, Dorothy, but those rude creeps in the creepy costume industry don’t seem to care. You wouldn’t prod your daughter into dressing up as an arthritis sufferer, would you? And there’s nothing ghoulish about a kid pretending he’s got cataracts, is there? Here’s a better idea, you bigots: take that pointy black hat and sit on it.
Ooh, spooky. This getup is the classic go-to when you don’t have any other ideas. Just cover yourself in a white sheet and — wait a minute. White? Does that mean all white people are spooky, or that their souls are somehow unfit for a paradisaical afterlife? Why not use beige sheets, or even that old green tablecloth you’ve been wanting to get rid of? Oh no, they say. It’s got to be white. How about we say “booooo!” and scare away this offensive costume for good.
Oh that’s a real good one. Let the cultural stereotypes flow. Creepy seafaring European is drunk, incomprehensible, needs a bath, and wants to plunder your booty. What is that supposed to mean? That European sailors are alcoholic rapists? That because old seamen generally lack a formal education, they can’t speak properly, and they drool on themselves? How about we let this offensive costume walk the plank — for good.
Sure, let’s honor an oppressive system of rule by monarchs who claim their sovereignty is derived from a God-approved blood lineage that makes these crown-wearing clowns more special than all the poor wretches forced to give food and tribute money to these royal con artists. Let’s just have our daughters dress up like corrupt Russian oligarchs and Wall Street frauds, why don’t we. We hereby banish princess costumes, forever.
That’s a fine idea. Let’s take an established, albeit unpopular religion, Satanism, and dress up as their little deity, turning him into nothing more than a slick car salesman with a red jacket and a goatee. Even better, ladies, let’s change the devil to a woman, and then make her sexy. We can’t imagine a politically correct person in the world thinking for a second that it’s okay to dress up as a sexy female Allah. Let’s send devil costumes to where they belong: the fiery pits down below.
Oh, what a classic. Black and white stripes, a little plastic ball and chain. While you’re out making fun of the nation’s prison population, keep in mind that most inmates are serving time for petty crimes, like stealing baby formula, or hoarding campaign buttons. You’re not laughing now, are you? Let’s sentence prisoner costumes to life with no chance of parole.
The horror! Some poor sap with green skin who actually died is brought back to life by a perverted doctor, and once he escapes to the country, he gets insulted everywhere he goes. To make matters worse, the very doctor who created him tries to kill him. Frankenstein is the quintessential victim of the system — of the medical establishment, of prejudice, of society itself. Yet we think it’s cute to “dress up” as this guy once a year for a few laughs and scares? And there’s no ghastly humor here, people. Just sadness coupled with oppression.
Kids should instead be dressing up as Frankenstein’s personal injury lawyer. In front of the right jury, that poor monster’s torment could be worth at least $100 million, giving one lucky ambulance chaser a hefty 40 percent in fees.
Doctors and nurses
Picture this: you’re a real medical professional and you’ve just got home from a stressful 56-hour shift of saving lives and stitching limbs back on. Your doorbell rings, and when you open it you’re faced with snot-nosed adolescents dressed in cheap scrubs and fake head mirrors that show no knowledge of current medical technology. These punks are stealing your glory, and to top it off, they demand free candy. Death without dignity for these costumes, is our prognosis.
Japanese geishas, ancient Egyptian pharaohs, Native American warriors, or anything derived from another culture or ethnicity
Do not, under any circumstances, let your little brat imitate the rich histories and traditions from other cultures — unless it’s the U.S. or Europe, of course, and then it’s fair game. If you want to have your young ones dress up as an American cowboy, a 1920s Italian immigrant-turned-mafioso, or some annoying Irish leprechaun, knock yourselves out. We approve.