by Kim Jong-un
Whaddup fellow world leaders. We cool?
Me, just going to hang with my boy Dennis Rodman. I got a little military parade thing I’m planning, and I’m gonna show him a little lady I know. I call her Miss Aisles.
That’s missiles, haha. Shh, don’t tell Dennis. It’s going to be a surprise. He likes surprises. I like him.
Anyway, what have you all been up to? Yeah, I heard about Nelson Mandela. Very sad. Were any of you invited to his funeral? Oh, all of you were invited.
Me too. I was invited. I’m busy though, you know? I got real responsibilities. Super Leader, innit. I’m head of state. Head of the military. Head of the party. Head of the local chapter of Amnesty International.
Haha, just joking about Amnesty International.
Be serious for a second. All of you were invited to Mandela’s funeral? Like, as in each and every one of you?
Oh, you want to see my invitation? You mean invitations. They sent me like a thousand of them. They’re begging me to go to South Africa. They’re like, “Kim Jong-un, you’re so eloquent. You’re so slick. You got charisma, bro. Come give a eulogy.”
You don’t believe me? I’m not lying. I swear to … Me.
Get it? Swear to Me?
Did I mention I’m going to hang with my boy Dennis Rodman? We are tight. Last time he was here, we both got a PA. That’s a Prince Albert, for you squares.
Hang on, my Minister of Communications is calling.
Aw man, that’s not good news at all. You know what he said? They accidentally shredded all the invitations I got. Someone’s going to get hauled away and executed for this mistake. I can assure you of that.
Listen, some of you are headed to South Africa today, right? Do me a favor, could you? If you see someone in charge, just mention that my invitations got shredded, and that even though I’m real busy, I could probably find time to drop by. As a favor to the world, of course. But I won’t be able to stay long. I got a lot of preparations to oversee.
Did I mention I’m going to hang with my boy Dennis Rodman?