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George Zimmerman

Wannabe cop Zimmerman scolds journalists for using term “wannabe”

zimmerman-bunkerDays after he was cleared of murder charges, wannabe cop George Zimmerman wonders why journalists still insist on calling him a “wannabe cop.”

“I doubt it has anything to do with the media’s bias against me,” he said from an undisclosed location, fearful for his life. “It’s probably just a stylistic blunder.”

Wannabe cop Zimmerman has taken the journalists to task for what he calls “shoddy reporting that would make even the greenest of first-year journalism students cringe.” He insists that news organizations should avoid calling him a wannabe cop.

“Sometimes ‘wannabe cop’  is enclosed in quotation marks, and sometimes not. If there are quotation marks, then for the love of God, cite the source,” wannabe cop Zimmerman said. “I mean, who actually said that for the first time? Some invisible witness for the prosecution? Al Sharpton? If you say I’m a ‘wannabe cop,’ then tell us who said that.”

“And if you aren’t enclosing ‘wannabe cop’ in quotation marks, then there’s little hope for you as a professional. First of all, ‘wannabe’ is non-standard English. I know, I know. The language evolves and standards change. But we can make a clear case that the term ‘wannabe’ is too slangy to be used by the press. Plus, it’s on the outs.”

According to the wannabe cop, the term ‘wannabe’ first appeared California in the 1970s as a derisive term for a phony gang member. Usage peaked in the mid-1990s, just as the era of “gangsta rap” was was waning. The nail on the coffin was when the Spice Girls released their hit 1996 song  “Wannabe.”

“‘Wannabe’ isn’t actually employed much anymore,” the wannabe cop said.

“Would a newspaper refer to a drug addict as a ‘speed freak’ or a conservative American as ‘square’? Of course not,” he added.

“As a journalist,” the wannabe cop added,“you need to take the side of caution. Check out books, like the AP Style Guide, that you were probably required to buy as freshmen. Read over your notes from Journalism 101. Even Merriam-Webster cautions that ‘wannabe’ is informal. And we know how Merriam-Webster is.”

Neither the AP, Reuters nor the New York Times responded to the wannabe cop Zimmerman’s remarks. However, a cursory look at recent articles show that major news organizations are still referring to him as a “wannabe cop,” leading most Americans to conjure an image of a maladroit man-boy clumsily running around with a loaded gun, pretending to be Dirty Harry.

Zimmerman verdict postponed until 2023 to avoid public breaking shit

george zimmermanSANFORD, Fla. – The judge in the second-degree murder trial of George Zimmerman has instructed the jury to postpone giving its verdict until July of 2023, when Americans will have hopefully learned to accept verdicts by a jury of their peers. In ten years, Judge Debra Nelson said, the public will have learned that you cannot just start breaking shit when you’re angry.

Defense attorneys are giving their final arguments on Friday, and the jury will then convene until a decision is reached. Jury members will be summoned in ten years to deliver the verdict to the court. The American public of 2023, it is hoped, will peacefully remark upon the case then go about their business.

In December of 2012, Zimmerman shot Trayvon Martin, a teenager who was walking through the neighborhood where Zimmerman was a volunteer watchman. The prosecution’s case rests on the argument that Martin was racially profiled. The defense claims that Zimmerman used lethal force to legally protect himself under Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law. Zimmerman claims that Martin had viciously attacked him, leaving no choice but to fire his gun.

The trial has polarized the country, and officials in Florida are worried that the verdict could incite widespread riots and looting. The judge expressed her hope that in ten years, the American public might be able to better control their tempers and learn to appreciate the jury system in the United States.

“The criminal justice system in the United States is based on the ideas of Enlightenment scholars, and derived from the noble tradition of English common law,” she said, not masking her vexation. “The apex of our system is the trial by jury in which we defer judgement to the intelligence of fellow citizen who have carefully weighed testimonies and evidence presented by the prosecution and the defense.”

“But,” the judge added, “based on the embarrassing conduct of the American public in the wake of other high-profile trials, I have no choice but to postpone the delivery of the verdict for at least ten years.”

Legal experts say judges are very much aware of how the public can react poorly and start breaking shit when juries make unpopular decisions.

“From the trial of O.J. Simpson all the way to Casey Anthony, the public has demonstrated it has no grasp of the way the system works,” said Robert Vender, Professor of Law at the University of Miami. “Judge Nelson knows that no matter what the verdict is, hordes of angry citizens will take to the streets, proclaim the trial a farce, and start throwing shit. At best, they will make sweeping, stupid claims in online forums and to friends about the sickening lack of justice in the USA. They might even say that the verdict sucks and that the USA sucks. In this light, we have to regard the judge’s decision as necessary and wise.”

Zimmerman will be kept in a courthouse holding cell, under the watch of a bailiff, until the verdict is announced on Tuesday, July 12, 2023. A hearing has been set for November to determine if Zimmerman will be allowed to bathe and brush his teeth.