Suarez: ‘I always clench my teeth when I ejaculate’

In an appeal to FIFA, Uruguay striker Luis Suarez asked that his four-month ban from soccer be lifted, saying he did not intentionally bite Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini during a World Cup match last week.

“Like all Latin men with passionate natures, I always clench my teeth when I ejaculate,” Suarez said. “Italy was giving us everything they had, and to be quite frank, I got caught up in the excitement of it all.”

“When that Italian fellow thrusted his shoulder into my mouth, it was such an uncanny violation of my orifice that I fell into a state of wanton bliss, and I just lost it,” he said. “It’s not that I’m attracted to men or anything, but I guess you just needed to be in my shoes to understand.”

“Plus, like most Italian players, prior to the match he had scented himself with an arousing  fragrance,” he added.

FIFA secretary general Jerome Valcke says that while the appeal is still under review, it is unlikely the ban will lifted. A similar appeal was denied in the 1994 World Cup after Italy’s Mauro Tassotti elbowed Luis Enrique of Spain, breaking his nose. Tassotti tried in vain to convince FIFA that he had temporarily lost control of his limbs due to a magnificent orgasm brought about by seeing himself on a giant screen.