Texas senator Ted Cruz recently announced his bid to be the Republican nominee for president in 2016. While a few wingnuts are trying to distract from Cruz’s obvious lunacy — the man wears dead ostriches on his feet, for crying out loud — by bringing up his Ivy League education and experience as solicitor general for the state of Texas, don’t allow yourself to get hypnotized by this right-wing jibber-jabber. There are really only seven things you need to know about this most junior of senators.
CANADIAN: He’s Canadian! Born to an American mother and a Cuban-born father in Calgary, Cruz quickly and irreversibly adopted the ways of his country of birth. At nine months, he was babbling his allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, and before leaving the country at the age of four, he had even started talking funny and being all judgey about his warmongering southern neighbors — or is that “neighbours,” eh Ted?
LIAR, LIAR: Even his name is a lie. “Ted” — short for “Edward” — is actually his middle name. We can only assume that as a child he formed a presidential exploratory committee whose members suggested he scrap the foreign-sounding “Rafael” in order to pull a fast one on the American public. We’re on to you, you Ninja Turtle in disguise.
WANTS TO KILL MUSLIMS: He’s admitted a fondness for country music, and as every smart person — including one keen MSNBC commentator — knows, country music is is mostly about exterminating Muslims.
CRIMINAL: In high school, he was pulled over and busted for possession of beer. How can we be sure that he’s not still some punk-ass teenager with a mullet trying to convince the cops that he doesn’t know how that case of Keystone Light got into his trunk?
ALL ABOUT THE RHETORIC: He was a college debate champion — a clear indication that he’s frighteningly adept at using so-called “words” to trick innocent listeners. FYI: Adolf Hitler was also a good speaker.
CRAPPY DRESSER: Clothing experts are starting to notice just how poorly Cruz’s clothes fit. How can we expect him to conduct foreign policy if other world leaders are secretly mocking his baggy pants?
ALMOST ILLITERATE: During his quasi-filibuster in 2013, Cruz famously read from a Dr. Seuss book — not because he was simply trying to fill time, but because “Green Eggs and Ham” was all young Teddy ever learned how to read. No wonder he doesn’t use a teleprompter.
HATES PLANET EARTH: If elected, we can be sure that Cruz will carry through with his promise to “use every means possible to destroy our planet until it’s dead, dead, dead.” He didn’t say that, but we know that’s what he thinks. Some experts predict that if Cruz were to ever be elected, our beloved Earth would actually accelerate climate change and flood itself as a sign of protest.
HIS WIFE WAS PROBABLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE 2008 FINANCIAL CRISIS: Heidi Cruz worked for Goldman Sachs from 2005 until just a few weeks ago, and — yeah! We don’t doubt that while she was there, she got her hands dirty. Very dirty.
CANADIAN: Did we mention Ted Cruz is Canadian?
CANADIAN: Ted Cruz is Canadian?
CANADIAN: Canadian.
CANADIAN: Canadian?
CANADIAN: Canadian!