Cursing anti-doping officials for obliging her to stop taking the banned substance meldonium, which she claims she needed out of medical necessity, tennis star Maria Sharapova’s head has swollen into a bright green orb.
“Look what you’ve done to me,” the 28-year-old Russian said in front of gasping journalists. “I tried to tell everyone that I needed meldonium for my health and that I wasn’t taking it to boost my performance, but no one believed me.”
“I hope you’re pleased with yourselves,” she added. “My only hope is to find a plastic surgeon talented enough to fix me so that I may return to the court without my opponent mistaking my head for the ball.”
Dandy Goat sports writer Richard Omega says that while it’s normal that fans are saddened by Sharapova’s likely ban from professional tennis, they should keep in mind that new doors have opened for the world number three.
“Sharia Marapova can continue her career in tennis, but instead of being a player, she can be the mascot for Penn tennis balls, a highly respected manufacturer, and she might earn just as much money as before,” Omega said. “If that doesn’t work out, she can be a living, breathing buoy. Sailors will come from all around the world to throw coins in her mouth and watch her bob up and down.”
This is the second time a sports icon has become disfigured after hastily quitting performance-enhancing drugs. In 2013, after admitting to Oprah Winfrey that he had engaged in doping, cyclist Lance Armstrong promised to quit cold turkey. He was spotted the next day slithering on his stomach to a scheduled fundraiser, as his formerly powerful legs had turned into what one observer said “resembled two strands of cooked spaghetti.”