WASHINGTON — Wondering how to proceed, the United States has again asked nine senior citizens to don wizard costumes and tell the country what to do.
“Help us, please,” the country said. “We implore you.”
When no immediate response was given, the country added: “Oh sagacious prune-eaters, be merciful by bestowing upon us the fruit of your waning-but-still-okay cognitive processes.”
The senior citizens are currently listening to arguments from two feuding parties. At the heart of the dispute are magic pills. Group A wants Group B to provide magic pills for a third party, Group C. Tensions are high. Both sides believe their position better leads to immortality.
When the senior citizens feel they have heard enough, they will depart for a wood-panelled cave. Some contend the senior citizens ingest peyote, but this claim is unsubstantiated. The senior citizens summon the spirit of the law, who might appear under the guise of former teachers, childhood bed monsters or neuroses developed as a teenager. Very often, the visions are frightening and the senior citizens wet themselves.
Traditionally, one senior citizen naps during this period, finding the task dull and unwarranted.
When at least five senior citizens are visited by congruent hallucinations, they record the details of their vision quests. They bathe, but not in a group. They again put on their wizard costumes to render a decision by which 310 million people (who don’t own wizard costumes, or at least not the right ones, incidentally) must abide.