Researchers at the Chicago Center for Politics in Medicine have announced a medical breakthrough: the world’s first surgically removed racism.
The procedure was conducted on Peoria resident Mark Dittles, 44, described by friends and neighbors as “a decent guy” but who sometimes says “some kind of, yeah, racist stuff.”
The procedure, which lasted just over three hours, was overseen by Dr. Carl Mininkski, one of the world’s foremost experts in neuro-ideological pathology.
Dr. Mininkski says that he and his team spent years trying to find the location of racism. They eventually discovered it was “a little greyish blob of malignant neurons” located between “the frontal and the backal lobes.”
“Now that we know what racism looks like and how easy it is to scoop it out, we’ll be able to perform these operations easily,” he said. “We hope to shorten the procedure duration to 30 minutes.”
Dr. Mininkski says he foresees a time when outpatient racism removal clinics are set up all around the country, and the procedure will be covered by health insurance providers.
“Folks will be able to get their racism removed between dropping their kids off at school and going to the gym for a Pilates class,” he said.
For years, academics and activists believed racism was a social pathology that could be only be treated with painful, repeated exposure to pithy slogans, sanctimonious memes, and long, rambling lectures from TV pundits and celebrities.