WASHINGTON — Move over, D.C. Swap Shop. Nader’s Traders is coming to town.
Consumer advocate and former presidential candidate Ralph Nader says he is close to opening the doors to his own swingers club. Housed in an eco-friendly, rococo mansion outside the nation’s capital, Nader’s Traders will be a place where patrons can “connect with other anti-corporate, pro-regulation hedonists in a safe but erotic environment where only toxin-free drinks are served, and where every sofa, curtain and tapestry is made from a non-flammable material,” according to one source.
Guests will be entertained with gourmet non-GMO cuisine, rotating beds that meet the latest safety standards, and jacuzzis sanitized with an EPA-approved bactericide. For the adventurous pleasure-seeker, housed in the basement of Nader’s Traders will be a dungeon staffed by masters certified in the District of Columbia’s BDSM safety program.
“I was always astounded how few pleasure palaces exist for progressive spouse-swappers who are passionate about improving consumer protections,” the 81-year-old Nader said. “There are swingers clubs for Weimar Republic festishists, people who work in accounting, and even for Republicans, but nothing for people like us.”
Officially called the Ralph Nader Center for Fair Partner Trading, the opening of Nader’s Traders is already generating excitement in the normally staid world of consumer safety and government regulatory bodies. One FTC deputy director says that Nader’s Traders will be “the hottest thing since Nader’s Raiders started throwing tort law-themed sex parties to celebrate 1960s seat belt legislation.”
Nader says he began planning his swingers club more than a decade ago when several young litigators working for him complained about feeling depressed after long days of drafting memos and responding to emails from expert witnesses.
It’s not certain yet how profitable Nader’s Traders will be, and one source close the project said admission will be set on a sliding scale based on income. Those with legal skills will be allowed to donate time to Nader’s advocacy projects instead of paying a flat fee to get in. Any money the organization does make will be put toward lobbying Congress for the creation of a special division in the FTC to oversee sex toys and aides, a market which Nader says is a woefully under-regulated.