41 morally upright states are shocked by the news that the U.S. Supreme Court has given tacit approval for eight backwards southern states — and Alaska — to reimpose laws reminiscent of the Jim Crow era.
In Shelby County v. Holder, the Supreme Court decided in a 5-4 vote to strike down Section 4(b) of the 1965 Voting Rights Act, which set the formula as to which states or localities must obtain federal pre-approval before changing their voting laws or practices. The decision was based on the argument that the formula uses data that is 40 years old. Among the justices to vote in favor of striking down Section 4(b) was Clarence Thomas — hardly a surprise, because everyone knows he is a white man disguised as an African-American.
Critics say the nine racist states will use the decision as justification to gerrymander districts to be disadvantageous to African-Americans, and to limit voting access to some minorities by requiring them to show ID.
“This is disgusting,” said Oklahoma, one of the good states. “I know Texas pretty well. I live next to it. He’s been waiting for this for half a century. I’ll bet he’s got his white cape and hood all cleaned and ready.”
“Hey guys, cut me a break,” Alaska said. “I was included in Section 4(b) and I’m not even in the South.”
“Yeah,” California said, “but you’re overrun with racists and arctic hillbillies. Everyone knows that.”
“Who cares about what you think, Alaska,” Illinois said. “Wasn’t Sarah Palin, like, your governor?”
The 41 good states have banded together to draw media attention to what the nine bad states are up to. The good states also argue the bad states are going to try to prevent Democrats from voting by requiring that all voters show ID at the polls. The good states say many Democrats do not have identity cards because they don’t believe in identity, contending that identity is “an approximation of an ever-shifting social construct designed to be beneficial to the ruling classes.”
The 41 good states suggest all Americans watch movies like “C.S.A.: The Confederate States of America,” which show the inevitable dystopian future we can expect from the southern rednecks if they are allowed to run their own show.
The bad states — excluding Alaska, which asks not to be included with the others — insist they are big enough now to handle their own affairs and that they won’t disenfranchise voters based on race or ethnicity. They cite evidence such as that two of them — Louisiana and South Carolina — have governors who are racial minorities, and that several of its largest cities — Atlanta, Baton Rouge, Birmingham, Mobile and Savannah — have African-American mayors. They also insist that while racism still exists everywhere, in various guises, the South no longer resembles the world of “Django Unchained.”
The 41 good states aren’t convinced by the bad states’ arguments, so they are going to do everything within their power — even enlisting the help of U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder — to make sure that the South remains in check.