PARIS — Agreeing that carbon emissions must be reduced to halt climate change, tens of thousands of world leaders, government ministers, scientists and activists are attending the Paris climate talks after being flown to the city in private jets.
“The world’s got a fever, and you carbon-addicted plebs are the ones who got it sick,” said President Obama, who travelled to the COP21 conference in his very own Boeing VC-25 jumbo jet. “There’s no need to drive a gas-guzzling pickup truck to the supermarket when you can easily get there on a kick scooter, and tote your groceries in a potato sack, just like folks in developing nations.”
UN secretary-general Ban Ki-moon, who prefers burning jet fuel traveling to far-off member states instead of talking to heads of state by telephone, also has some harsh words for the billions of people who use motorcycles, cars and buses.
“Your reliance on fossil fuels is sickening,” he said, sticking his finger down his throat and making a gagging sound. “When I was growing up in Korea, I used to fly a solar-powered glider in heavy monsoon winds just to get to my diplomacy classes, but nowadays most Koreans are too lazy to even use a pushcart to pick up their kids from the school five minutes away.”
French president Francois Hollande, whose nation is hosting the summit, says that he is disappointed by not being able to join other leaders in producing millions of tons of carbon emissions this year, so he has ordered the pilots of his personal Airbus A330 to spend the next 12 days flying in a holding pattern above Paris.