LONDON — Upon learning her prized racehorse Estimate had tested positive for morphine, Queen Elizabeth II led the animal behind the royal stables and shot it.
The act might seem barbaric to those not familiar with the traditions of the British monarchy, but prominent anglophile Paulina Ricardo reassures us the killing is more about mercy than punishment.
“If you were the Queen’s page boy or manicurist, you’d be mortally humiliated if she found out you took ecstasy on your night off,” Ricardo said. “In fact, the shame would be so great you’d probably want to kill yourself — if an angry mob of peasants didn’t get to you first.”
“There is no more honorable way for a British subject to die than being snuffed out by Her Majesty’s own hand,” Ricardo added. “Also, that way, your ashes get placed in a special vault in Westminster Abbey, and in the afterlife you get to chat with the souls of the interesting people buried there, like Laurence Olivier and Kate Moss.”
The deceased horse was trained by Sir Michael Stoute, who in the 1980s was known for being a champion bodybuilder and is rumored to have introduced steroids to dozens of royals, both men and horses. Stoute has been heavily criticized in recent months for pushing Estimate to overtrain, which many say is the reason the filly turned to opiates like morphine.
If the official inquiry demonstrates Stoute provided Estimate with drugs, the Queen will have the choice of euthanizing him as well.
The tradition of executing members of one’s royal entourage for drug offenses goes back to 1536, when Henry VIII beheaded Anne Boleyn and several others after he discovered them huffing paint in a Tower of London water closet.