VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis is asking the world’s one billion Catholics to pray for peace in the nation of Brangelinastan, which erupted into civil war earlier this week and has since dominated world headlines.
“As Brangelinastan has been engulfed in the destructive fires of unrest, so too have the flames spread to every corner of the world, where Braddites pit themselves against Angelineans, jolting the tranquility that endured between these two tribes for nine years,” His Holiness said during mass on Friday. “Let us pray for reconciliation, so that we, too, may get on with our lives.”
“My most blessed opinion is that if Brad did forcefully grab his son by the arms, as has been alleged, that does not provide sufficient grounds for divorce, as Maddox appears to be one hell of a surly teen,” he said. “Nor is the occasional doobie reason to break apart holy matrimony, therefore Angelina must accept Brad back into her home and forgive him.”
“However, if that prick did engage in carnal sins with the French actress, then by all means kick him to the curb,” he added.
International relationship experts fear that even if a peace agreement is reached between Braddites and Angelineans, such a deal could be derailed by members of the Jenniferanistonista tribe, who bitterly nurse old grievances against the other two tribes and have repeatedly called for their slaughter.