Despite the success of Facebook, its founder and CEO, the sad excuse for a tech magnate Mark Zuckerberg, is only the 66th richest person in the world, according to Forbes. With a net worth just over a paltry $13 billion, 65 people can say they are richer than Zuckerberg, including actual titans like Bill Gates, Sergey Brin, Larry Page, Michael Dell, Paul Allen — and probably dozens more. Those 65 people could, with a wave of a hand and a signature, buy everything Zuckerberg owns, including his cute little website and his collection of pewter dragons that he used to paint while other boys were out playing football and daring each other to eat grasshoppers. Those 65 people could, if they were inclined, kick Zuckerberg’s shins very hard, just to hear him say in his funny adolescent voice, “Hey, what’s the idea dude?” then watch him turn to hide his tears and limp away, proving once and for all that he’s just a scared, awkward boy who doesn’t know he shouldn’t eat the Play-Doh the other kids at the preschool told him was a Little Debbie’s oatmeal cake dyed blue. Mark Zuckerberg: those of us below you on that cursed Forbes list are smarter, funnier, more handsome and wittier than you, and we know how to dress like executives, and our website Classsmates.com might have suffered a few setbacks, especially after you showed up and stole every else’s ideas, but we’re on to you, boy, and we have some awesome new features that people are lining up to pay us to use.
Your time is up, buddy.