ANYWHERE, Calif. — Supporters of presidential candidate Donald Trump are again being criticized for their violent behavior, this time outside a rally where they allegedly threw themselves into the defensively clenched fists and protectively outstretched feet of young demonstrators.
“You’d expect this sort of thing at an underground cage fight in a favela in Rio, but not by a bunch of middle-aged small-business owners in pleated slacks and polo shirts,” said protester Mark Opolo, 23, who wore a bandana over his face to protect his sensitive skin from the sun. “I, myself, was injured when a Trumpkin refused to yield to my foot while I was demonstrating to a friend how to properly kick a soccer ball.”
Witnesses report out-of-control Trump supporters deliberately walking through groups of protesters who were busy playing innocent games like Spin the Bottle in the Air and Egg Hurl.
“A whole carton of grade-A jumbo-sized eggs, wasted,” lamented one protester. “My mom’s going to kill me.”
Members of the Kill Capitalism Dead Brigade, who, with safety in mind, wore gas masks and steel-toed boots to the protest, complained that police did little to protect them from Trump supporters.
“I was bending over, trying to light the wick on a homemade oil lamp, when this rich lady comes barreling through and almost knocks me over,” said one brigade member who refused to be identified because of outstanding warrants for his arrest. “Totally reckless conduct, even if she was being chased by a mob of people yanking on her hair.”
“Oh, how I yearn for the civil days of yore,” he added.
One city official explained that police were unable to contain Trump supporters because many are simply too old, fat or stubborn to quickly move out of the way.
The official says that she witnessed a group of shirtless young men borrow a bus stop bench, then run with it toward the rally venue entrance, presumably because they wanted to listen to Trump speak yet did not want to inconvenience staff by requesting chairs. She says that a Trump supporter in a wheelchair aggressively blocked the door.
“Why, those poor youngsters just couldn’t slow down,” she said. “You’d think a World War II vet would show more respect for his fellow Americans.”
Lara Santos, president of a nearby university’s chapter of Stop Hate Speech with Obnoxious Drumming and Stale Chants, says that it is sad how Trump’s angry rhetoric has brainwashed his followers into acting like savage ruffians who have no interest in rational discourse.
“They are literally using their advantageous weight to smother dissent,” she said, showing bruises she acquired on her leg when a dazed and bloody Trump supporter fell on her.