“My trusted friend Bepp Slatter is competent in the field, as he’s had over four decades of executive experience, albeit in a faraway country,” Blatter said. “I hereby ask this organization to hold snap elections and trust my keen judgment.”
Slatter, virtually unknown in the FIFA community or anywhere in the world, appeared moments later wearing a tartan hat. Speaking in a labored Scottish accent, he said he was the best person to lead the 111-year-old organization, particularly in light of the fact he’s lived in a monastery in the Highlands for most of his life. Also, he can’t count higher than six and he has no interest in money.
“I would like to humbly submit my candidacy for FIFA president,” Slatter said. “I’m as clean as a whistle, but I still know how much a few years of a permissive attitude toward corruption can really screw you, just as you’re reaching the apex of your illustrious career. So I’ve heard.”