• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • About Dandy Goat

Dandy Goat

Falling forward faster



Orlando shooter crushed to find no men among 72 virgins

June 17, 2016

 

Orlando shooter crushed to find no men among 72 virginsJAHANNAM — Omar Mateen, the man who carried out an ISIS-inspired attack in a gay bar in Orlando last weekend, is reportedly suffering from “intense disappointment” in the afterlife upon finding no young men among his allocated 72 virgins.

“I’m not gay or anything, but I was hoping they’d throw a few hot dudes in the mix, you know, just to balance things out, keep me company,” he said from the afterlife. “I’ve been here almost a week, and everywhere I look, it’s only scantily clad women pleading to take care of my every desire.”

“This really sucks,” he added.

A spokesperson for the afterlife says that it was no mistake that Mateen was granted a harem of only women, and that Mateen has just not yet realized where is he.

“This motherfucker is going to spend the rest of eternity being tormented by a terrible itch that he will never scratch,” the spokesperson said.

Primary Sidebar

Follow us and get more smarter!

Follow Us on FacebookFollow Us on TwitterFollow Us on Instagram




Goth Hillary Dandy Goat

I’m pumped for the debate vs. I’m pumped with meds for the debate