One Percenters accused of stealing trillions from student

One Percenters arrested for stealing trillions

One Percenters, identifiable by their One-Percenty attitudes

NEW YORK — The wealth that is concentrated in the hands of the the richest one percent was mostly stolen from a sole college student, experts have confirmed.

Since 2011, Christopher Baker, a senior anthropology major from Albany, has been arguing that the world’s rich got their money from him, but until recently few people believed the claim. However, a Financial Times article published on Monday supports Baker’s charges.

“Through corporate welfare, tax loopholes and flat-out taking pocket change from the jar on his desk, One Percenters have grown fat from Mr. Baker, who can be counted as the real engine that runs the American economy,” the article says. “In total, they sucked about 110 trillion dollars from his blood and sweat.”

Baker is going to march in Manhattan’s financial district on May 1 to demand compensation from anyone wearing a suit. He will join thousands of other young protesters under the age of 25 who have slaved away for months or even years at coffee shops, recycling centers and their fathers’ law firms — only to have the fruits of their labor consumed by the greedy rich.

Victim of One Percenters

Christopher Baker, the SUNY student who had more than $100 trillion stolen from him by the world’s rich

Columbia economist Beverly Haughton says that in addition to depriving Baker of public funding for his bachelor’s degree, the One Percent also underpaid him while he worked part-time from 2011 to 2013 as a busboy at Rosa’s Tex-Mex Grill in Albany.

Pointing to a colorful graph with lots of numbers on it, Haughton said, “A fair wage would have been far greater than the $7.75 plus tips he was earning — something closer to ten or fifteen million dollars per hour.”

“This is the most heinous act of plunder in modern times,” Haughton said.

Baker says he has already sent emails to hundreds of One Percenters notifying them he expects to be paid back, and preferably before June when he would like to go on a backpacking trip with his girlfriend through Italy, Slovenia and Croatia.

“I figure that Warren Buffett alone owes me about a million bucks,” Baker said. “I keep calling Berkshire Hathaway, but they won’t let me talk to him, so I’m thinking of taking him to small claims court — as long as someone can spot me the $20 filing fee.”

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