OMG cute! High school elects unwitting jock as prom queen


OMG cute! High school elects unwitting jock as prom queenWEERDVILLE, Ohio — By electing senior Tyler Desilva, 18, as prom queen, students at Freeman High School in this Cleveland suburb proved that transphobia has no place in public education.

“I’m shocked,” said Desilva, clearly touched, after the announcement was made on the school PA system during second period on May 6. “Seriously, I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want to be queen. What the hell’s wrong with all of you?”

Afterwards, Desilva — who as quarterback nearly led the football team to a state title last fall — became so emotional that wrestling coach Mark Slickmat and a dozen students were forced to pin Desilva on the floor and put a blue dress on him.

“Stop this,” Desilva said as a sparkly tiara was placed on his head while members of the debate team rushed in to tie him up with rope. “Can someone call the police?”

Keeping with tradition, the newly crowned prom queen was paraded around the school while students and teachers alike lined the hallways and showered Desilva with compliments.

“You are so pretty,” said Ben Waverly, who has been acutely aware of Desilva’s robust existence ever since the football star called him “doucheballs” nearly 10 years ago. “Here, have some makeup.”

Along with other members of the thespian club, Waverly applied thick white stage makeup to Desilva’s face, afterwards sloppily writing “queen” on Desilva’s forehead in bright red lipstick.

School principal Vince Cafferty, who never liked Desilva’s cocky demeanor and habit of calling him “Mr. Caffeine,” says that he was so proud of his students for standing up for inclusivity that he invited a local television news team to cover the coronation.

“Well, well, look at what we have here, a darling hulking prom queen, hogtied and begging for his mama,” said WFUK reporter Casey Druckerman, whose house was extensively teepeed in 2007 by Desilva and another 10-year-old boy. “Turn off the camera, Curtis.”

School district superintendent Maureen Neerwinder, who bought a house from Desilva’s father in 2006 only to later discover that it had major structural damage, suddenly appeared with a delegation of foreign dignitaries.

“Please, loosen these ropes, it feels like they’re cutting off my blood,” Desilva weakly said as the visitors — including a Spanish government minister and a South Korean LGBT activist — looked to Neerwinder for a translation.

“He said, ‘It’s time that we accept everyone who for he or she really is,’” Neerwinder said to laughter and applause.

On Friday, Ohio governor John Kasich declared May 21 as Tyler Desilva Day, meaning that every year on that day state officials and will honor the deceased hero teen by laying a bouquet of pink roses at the foot of his grave.

“He loved the color pink more than anything,” said Mark Harrington, who was Desilva’s tenth-grade history teacher before getting fired after he slapped the student for mocking his lisp in front of the whole class.

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