Obama brings ‘Choom Gang’ to Jamaica to search for Ganja Mountain

Obama brings Choom Gang to Jamaica to search for Ganja Mountain Saying he needed to get away from the pressures of Washington and “take a breather for a change,” President Obama is in Jamaica with several old friends to search for a legendary mountain covered with potent marijuana plants.

Obama and other members of his high-school “Choom Gang” — whose principal activities included smoking bud, blazing joints, lighting up, toking, and taking bong hits — have long desired to know whether Ganja Mountain is real or if it’s just a folk legend passed down from one smoker to another. Now that “Barry’s” presidency is fast reaching its end, friends say the time was right to organize an official state visit to Jamaica to give them nearly free rein in the Caribbean island to fulfill their dream.

“Let’s find that mountain, and let’s get higher than fu-fu-fuck,” said Thomas “Roach” Walker, a member of the group who now plays guitar in the Honolulu jazz scene.

In his little-known 1981 memoir “Chooming Forward,” Obama lays out his vision for a utopian future when all inequality, discrimination, unhealthy food and even bad music have been eradicated thanks to a government policy of “Complete and Total Choomage” in which all adults get free, top-quality weed. Under this plan, drug tests would be banned and April 20 would be a national holiday to celebrate the peace-inducing qualities of cannabis. He writes:

“A totally cool and chill future is within our grasp. I predict that by 2020, folks, young and old, black and white, urban and rural, will get together to share a joint and celebrate life. I call this ‘Complete and Total Choomage,’ and all it takes is for folks to be open-minded, and to recognize the bud for it is: a source of goodness, sympathy and understanding. The natural high of the ganj [sic] elevates our consciousness into an ethereal realm known previously only to eagles, angels, and choom heroes Cheech [Marin] and [Tommy] Chong.”

–“Chooming Forward” (p.63)

A spokesperson for Jamaican prime minister Portia Simpson-Miller says that while the government doesn’t officially grant visiting heads of state access to the nation’s best-kept secret, in the case of Obama, an exception will be made.

“We’re providing President Obama and his bredren a whole team of rasta man nature guides,” said spokesperson Ray Azan. “I’m not saying that those guys know where Ganja Mountain is, but I’m not not saying that, you know what I mean?”

If Obama and his friends manage to find Ganja Mountain, sources say they will likely take off their shirts and begin high-fiving each other. Afterwards, they will set up a makeshift camp, look at the stars, talk about how screwed up society is, and smoke until their eyes are totally glazed and they “don’t give a fuck no more.” It is also possible they will wander back into town in search of provisions to satiate their unbearable munchies.

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