PARIS — In a speech delivered at a press conference Tuesday, French President François Hollande condemned the NSA’s spying on France. He admitted that information released by NSA-leaker Edward Snowden shows that the United States had obtained classified information about one of country’s most-guarded sites.
“To the people of France, I must concede that the United States has discovered our naughty little secret,” Hollande said, wiping a bit of foie gras from the corner of his mouth. “To us, it’s but a trifle, but to puritan Americans, it’s been a source of intrigue and excitement for hundreds of years.”
“It is true,” he said. “There’s a place in France where the naked ladies dance. And yes, there’s a hole in the wall where the men can see them all.”
“Are you happy now, America?” he added.
The American Geographical Society had long postulated the existence of such a place in France where the naked ladies dance. Because of the cooler climate in the north of the country, most geographers assumed the place was located in southern France, close to the Mediterranean Sea — where naked dancing ladies would not get so easily chilled.
However, leaked NSA documents show the location to be near Forbach, a town in northeastern France on the German border. The revelations explain, in part, why the region has been so heavily fought over for hundreds of years. They also offer insight as to why so many U.S. military installations were built in the region following the Second World War.
Aurélie Filippetti, Minister of Culture and Communication, is warning Americans to stay away. Curious tourists and peeping toms who travel to the area in hopes stumbling upon the exact location will not get a warm reception.
“Even if you find that place in France where the naked ladies dance,” Filippetti said, “and even if you wait your turn to peek through that legendary hole in the wall, the naked ladies may decide to suddenly stop dancing. They may very well insult you and cover the hole with their skimpy lingerie. You will have wasted your time — and your dollars.”
“And the naked dancing ladies won’t care,” Filippetti said. “Not at all, because they have no underwear.”