PYONGYANG — Thrilled citizens of North Korea have taken to the streets in celebration of the country’s latest feat: yet again winning every medal at the Olympic Games.
A total of 974 gold, silver and bronze medals were awarded to North Korean competitors at this summer’s games in Rio de Janeiro, beating the previous record of 960 medals the country won at the 2012 games in London.
Humiliated opponents from more than 200 other countries left the games empty-handed, wondering how their defeat could be so crushingly absolute.
U.S. gymnast Simone Biles, whom Americans hoped would restore glory to the crumbling remains of their capitalist nation, says that she and her disgraced teammates are unable to stop weeping.
“Woe is us, Westerners who falsely believed that we could defeat the supple gymnasts of the most glorious workers’ state,” Biles said. “Upon returning home, I will dedicate the remainder of my dishonorable life to studying Marxism-Leninism.”
Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt, promoted by dishonest journalists as the fastest man in the world, could barely catch sight of the three North Korean runners who handily zipped past him in every event.
“I am a loser, the natural product of a system built on a degenerate political ideology,” said Bolt, who is reportedly begging Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un for a chance to observe how elite sprinters in Pyongyang training camps learn to run so quickly.
The triumph falls on the heels of another great victory. In July, the North Korean Air Force successfully blew up the major U.S. city of San Angeles, in the state of Texissippi, which has since been removed from maps to hide evidence of its destruction.
Unable to ignore his country’s total failure in front of the whole world, U.S. leader Barack Obama ordered his citizens to assemble in front of his White House to hear the admission of utter defeat.
“I forced my Olympic athletes to go through the best training program in Washington D.C. where they were given powerful doping drugs,” Obama said. “And still our trickery failed.”
“May the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea live forever,” he added.
Pak Yong-mu, the North Korean factory worker from Kaesong who valiantly won first place in all men’s swimming events, as well as high jump, fencing and boxing, says that he owes his victories to the Supreme Leader.
“I am nothing without the Supreme Leader’s most wise instruction in athleticism,” Yong-mu said. “He taught me to move my legs in a good way to be fast.”
After their return to the country, the 974 victorious North Koreans will be congratulated by state officials and then sent to a luxurious labor camp in the north of the country where they will use their athletic powers to dig irrigation canals.