Come here baby, whatsa matter? Why you crying? Aw, let me give you a hug. That’s right. It’s okay, you see? No reason to cry. Tell me whatsa matter.
Oh no! Did the big bad man on TV hurt your feewings? Aw, daddy gonna make it all better, okay?
Tell daddy what little Jimmy Kimmel said to you. Go on, tell daddy. Oh, it wasn’t him? It was another boy, but little Jimmy Kimmel didn’t stop him? Another boy made a mean joke? What a bad boy! Don’t listen to bad, stupid boys. Next time tell him, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can’t even hurt me.”
You don’t want to tell him? You want me to tell him?
Come here, don’t start crying again. It’s gonna be okay. Come here, baby. Come in daddy’s arms. Look, you got my suit all wet. That’s alright. I don’t mind. You’re my little baby and you can cry as much as you want.
You want me to do what to his daddy? I can’t do that, baby. I’d go to president jail. The police man would say I was a mean president. Listen baby. I’ll see what I can do. I’ll have a talk with that little boy and I’ll tell him he needs to wash his mouth out with soap. Will that make you smile again?
Don’t start crying again, please. Daddy has to go to work. Come here, come here. You want me to do something? You want me to talk to little Jimmy Kimmel? No? Do you want me talk to little Jimmy’s papa, Mr. ABC, and tell him to punish little Jimmy Kimmel? You want Mr. ABC to say to little Jimmy Kimmel, “you are a bad boy and you are fired, effective immediately.”
There you go. That’s the smile I wanna see. Daddy gonna make it all better, okay?