Saying that things on this planet are getting a little dicey, NASA has announced it will calmly begin evacuating Earth, transporting the first select groups of humans to Mars within the next few decades.
“Earth is nice and all, but what’s going to happen in 50 years when petroleum becomes too expensive for everyday use?” said Jim Watkins, director of the Escape to Mars program. “And let’s not even think about the impending water wars, or the pandemonium that will result when Iran is allowed to develop nuclear weapons.”
“But that’s neither here nor there,” he added. “By the way, it just so happens we have a new spacecraft called Orion, a sweet little pod that will eventually take us all the way to the red planet. Cool, huh?”
Sources from within NASA indicate that a system to allocate seats is being created, likely resulting in an orderly queue of seven billion people that will nevertheless quickly break down into a panicky free-for-all after everyone realizes that Orion only holds up to four passengers, and that the journey each way can take up to six months.
“Even if we build and put a thousand spacecraft like Orion into use, it will take almost two million years to get everyone alive today off the planet,” remarked one bubble-bursting observer with a calculator.