In a televised address, NASA administrator Bill Gerstenmaier asked the public not to worry about the ISS-bound cargo that was destroyed in Tuesday’s rocket explosion, as most of it consisted of non-essential luxury items like alcohol and newly released video games.
“Those folks up in that space station are going to be fine,” he said. “They got plenty to keep their bellies full, and if the need arises, they can eat [ISS pet rabbit] Barney and his family.”
“Truth be told, the cargo that was destroyed is what we classify as ‘treats,’ stuff that makes life in a cramped space cage more tolerable,” he continued. “Commander Suraev and his crew certainly aren’t happy their monthly supply of rum and vodka went up in this flames, but that just means they’ll have to experiment with making hooch, like the cosmonauts in Mir used to do.”
“Also, we have confirmation the whole crew is really pissed off about not getting their hands on that new PS4 game ‘Driveclub,’ but that’s the way it is when you sign up for this sort of gig,” he added.
One expert calculated that up to 5,000 pounds of top-shelf spirits and expensive video games, including titles for PlayStation and XBox, were lost when the unmanned spacecraft carried by Orbital’s Antares rocket exploded moments after launch, leading members of House Committee on Science, Space and Technology to call for rules limiting future non-essential shipments to second-hand Connect Four games and no alcohol more expensive than Captain Morgan.
An anonymous source from NASA said one German ISS crew member was reportedly “furious” because he was expecting a Blu-ray of the classic 90s movie “Sex Trek: The Final Penetration.”