U.S. space agency NASA has discovered evidence of water on Mars, offering the surest sign yet that drinkers who eventually live on the red planet might be able to enjoy life there and even leave their sleeping pods to socialize every now and them.
“The existence of liquid water, even if it is super salty briny water, gives us reassurance that we’ll have a vital component in distilling rudimentary alcohol,” said Don Grunsfeld, associate administrator for the Science Mission Directorate at NASA. “With a handful of yeast and some rotten fruit, the planet’s first inhabitants will be able to make and consume hooch, get a little buzz on, and get to know each other.”
“The concoction should be strong enough that music will be totally optional,” he said.
Bronx bar patron Gus Oswald, 55, says that he had been considering applying to join the Mars One project, which will put humans on the planet by as early as 2025, but he feared getting bored out of his skull being stuck for the rest of his life on a dry planet 140 million miles from the nearest liquor store. But with the discovery of water on Mars, he has changed his mind.
“That could be fun, making some weird-ass booze from genetically modified apples and shit they’ll grow in bio-domes up there,” he said. “I wanna be known as the Martian Jack Daniels. Where’s that damn application form?”
Coralee Hopkins, 26, a Los Angeles waitress, aspiring actress, and avid drinker, says that alcohol will be important in making sure that human Martians feel at ease, hook up and reproduce.
“This one time, I met a guy in a bar and we were literally fucking at his place five minutes later,” Hopkins said. “If we hadn’t been drunk, it could have seriously taken him days to get me in bed.”
“I didn’t get pregnant that time,” she added. “But I could have.”
So far, no one knows the source of the water, but some have speculated that it came from an ancient race of aliens on intergalactic voyages who used Mars as a rest stop where they could pee.