NASA insisting space outposts will resemble gentlemen’s clubs

Fearful that the general lack of interest in the Journey to Mars program could foretell of eventual budget cuts, officials at NASA are reminding the public that future space stations will be like interplanetary gentlemen’s clubs. Male astronauts will be able to relax while sexy alien women with temperature-raising tentacles serve drinks and offer private lap dances, according to the space agency’s website.

NASA communications director Gabrielle Wright says that many people assumed that the only women at the outposts would be crew members, who would be dressed in long underwear and standard-issue blue jumpsuits, and that these women would be more interested in doing systems checks and carrying out research than putting on tight, metallic-colored unitards and calling every man “captain” regardless of his position.

“Those assumptions are plain wrong,” Wright said. “The truth is that all female crew members, including engineers, biologists and pilots, will be required every now and then to hop on the bar and seductively gyrate to music from a squat alien quartet playing otherworldly woodwind instruments, just like in the movies.”