At least 17 textbooks approved for the controversial school standards program have tested positive for Islamo ebolavirus. Investigators say the contaminated books were printed by Yemeni militants who took over a Guatamala publishing house, where they soaked the pages in a concentrated virus soup.
The textbooks were then smuggled through Mexico into the U.S. by illegal immigrants who later posed as vendors for some of the biggest names in educational publishing, including Pearson and McGraw-Hill.
The books were to be distributed to students this fall, when a powerful radio signal would activate the virus and infect innocent children as young as six, most of whom would picking their noses and eating it while perusing, for instance, a colorful science book chapter about how humans evolved from a single bisexual ape.
“What a ridiculous story,” said one expert who was consulted for this article.
The infected textbooks had been purchased by school districts around the country, which seems unusual, considering the content was designed to insult predominant American sensibilities. Seventh-grade civics primers, for example, included titles such as “Gay Way Is The Only Way,” “America Is The Biggest Terrorist” and “Your Parents Hate You, But Mohammed Thinks Your [sic] Okay.”
A spokesman for the FBI is calling the plot “so clichéd it would appear fictitious, if it weren’t for the non-stop media frenzy that gives legitimacy to panics such as the current Ebola scare.”
Investigators still aren’t sure how the terror cell managed to take over La Casa Parodia publishing house, the oldest in Guatemala City. Also unknown is why textbooks with such incendiary titles did not draw the attention of customs agents or the public school officials who approved them.
One border patrol agent suspects the books were snuck into the country by so-called “book mules” who hid them inside their digestive tracts, and avoided getting infected themselves by eating a lot of spicy food, which would temporarily stun the virus.
“Textbooks are too big to be swallowed,” the agent said ruefully. “So they’d need to be inserted from the other side.”
The smugglers, say investigators, excreted the items in fast-food restrooms without even buying anything, and in some cases they stole handfuls of napkins and straws. In the middle of the night, they showed up with boxes of textbooks at the homes of school officials, convincing the sleepy educators to buy them by saying profits would go to Central American orphans whose parents were killed by CIA-backed governments.
“Sadly, anything that implicates the US government in the atrocities of the world is a pretty big sell, at least in the dark world of educational materials,” said Gilbert Bonafonte, a former contraband textbook dealer who is serving time in federal prison.
The FBI spokesman says there are only a handful of plausible explanations as to how the scheme got as far as it did. Top among them, he claims, is that Russian intelligence organized the logistics, probably with the collusion of the UN Youth Sex Initiative, whose libertine and opium-addicted staff is allowed to freely cross the Mexico-U.S. border to distribute candy-flavored condoms and give lessons to homeless kids about the proper use of sex toys.
“The only thing that really stumps us: who actually engineered this new Muslim Ebola virus?” the spokesman added. “I wouldn’t be surprised an effeminate communist madman like Kim Jong-un played a lead role.”