“We’re only asking you to consider donating the funds you normally spend on things you don’t need, like coffee or fancy new socks,” Jay Z said during Monday’s event. “Your generosity can make a huge difference in our lives.”
Dozens of emaciated musicians dressed like homeless pirates were paraded on a stage to sign some sort of document verifying they had become truly pathetic.
Before submitting her signature, an apparently incontinent woman who goes by the name “Madonna” raised her leg and announced she’d been forced to urinate in a neighbor’s garden, as she can no longer afford her water bill.
“It’s tough,” she said. “Especially when it snows. I own no boots.”
“All of us here tonight are hungry,” said a singer named Alicia Keys. “We haven’t eaten in four minutes.”
The two masked members of a duo calling themselves “Daft Punk” stood nearby, silently perched like creepy guys at a party who were not invited, yet whom no one has the guts to kick out.
“As the philosopher Nietzsche said, a society is only as good the coins it throws into the abyss of Auto-Tune being piped out of its own asshole,” Keys added. “For the love of God, help us.”