Models ‘not physically capable’ of farting

Fashion models don't fart, study says A study commissioned by the modelling agency Lacosta confirms the popular belief that supermodels never fart, but not because they are experts at suppressing flatulence, as previously held, but because they are physically unable to pass gas.

“Women with a certain physiology, particularly those who are tall and elegant, have longer gastrointestinal tracts with a far greater number and variety of of hungry intestinal flora,” the report says. “Yet, because these women frequently eat little, these bacteria are starved, so when they do get some nutrition, usually a piece of iceberg lettuce or a few raisins, the bacteria go berserk, and actually consume any gas they might produce, and then they consume it again, and so on.”

“There’s a remote possibility a small quanity of gas can escape the intestines, but as we know, models have powerful rectums that can withstand almost any force, so a wayward fart would remain inside the colon for months or years, until it eventually transforms into a solid material, a crystalline object that resembles topaz,” the report concludes.

To people working in the fashion industry, the results come as no surprise.

“By their very definition, top fashion models epitomize class and glamour, so their bodies don’t produce stink like the rest of us terrestrial beasts,” said Eric Briarson, a British sock designer working in Milan. “Obviously, beautiful women are incapable of doing ugly things.”

The study involved over 100 models, many of whom are household names. The researchers followed the women’s diets, took daily gas readings using a custom-designed probe, and clipped to the models’ wastes recording devices sensitive enough to register even the faintest fluttering of butt cheeks.

“Only Gisele [Bündchen] was observed letting a little [fart] slip out while she was on an elliptical trainer, but that was explained because she’d been ill with severe gastrointestinitis,” said Penelope Hicks, the talent agent who led the study.

Not only are models incapable of farting, says Briarson, but the industry takes every measure to ensure no women who fart are ever admitted.

“Even if a rogue farter were to somehow game the industry’s strict controls, as a model you spend entire days with makeup artists and photographers, so any farts, even a very tiny one that sounds like a wimpy flea playing a B-flat on a mini trombone, would be noticed and the impostor’s contract would be voided,” Briarson said. “The model would blacklisted, and she could probably never get another gig other than car shows.”

The study only looked at women because, as Briarson says, everyone in the industry knows that men are built differently.

“Male models are actually very proficient farters,” he said. “It’s a well-known fact they prep for a photo shoot by having fellow models sit on their bellies to force out any unexpended flatus, and it also gives them a leaner midsection.”

“It’s great fun to see this practice firsthand, because everyone has a good laugh, which usually results in more senseless farting,” he added.

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