Millions urged to show therapists where Johnny Depp hurt them


Millions urged to show therapists where Johnny Depp hurt themIn what’s being called the largest case ever of widespread butthurt, millions of people around the world are claiming to have been somehow abused by Johnny Depp, prompting therapists to ask them to show on a doll where the actor touched them.

“[Depp] keeps agreeing to do ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ sequels even as they get progressively stale and tiresome,” said former fan Dan Greenberger, 36, a Salt Lake City barber who is unable to work due to the anger he feels towards Depp. “The first sequel was bad enough, and now he’s doing a fourth one? I really hate him.”

California masseuse Rebeca Moreno says that she loved Depp until 2011, when she read that he was facing marital difficulties with then-wife Vanessa Paradis.

“How could he let that happen?” said Moreno, 27, who was briefly institutionalized after Paradis and Depp separated in 2012. “They were together, like, forever, and they seemed to be a perfect match.”

Samantha Hardwick, 19, says that she and Depp had an unspoken agreement communicated in a dream, but that Depp didn’t stick to his word. He was supposed to remain as essentially youthful and slim as he was in the 1993 movie “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape,” and she would continue enjoying all his subsequent films.

“But he got fat,” she said. “Pure evil.”

Brooklyn psychologist Fern Boas says that she has gone through four plush Johnny Depp dolls and will soon buy another.

“My patients, nearly all of whom are afflicted with a desire to see Johnny Depp die 1000 painful deaths, find solace in trying to pull off the doll’s head,” she said. “But they will never have closure until Johnny Depp publicly admits that he’s a bad, bad man, and that his 16 great movies don’t make up for his 11 bad ones and nine mediocre ones.”

“Then he should either OD on the drug of his choice, or jump off a bridge,” she added.

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