LOS ANGELES — With the barely legible words “tit for cat” written in blood on a bedroom wall of her California estate, the pop singer Miley Cyrus was mauled late Wednesday night by a group of lion assailants, according to the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department. Preliminary reports indicate that her head was removed, leading investigators to speculate it is being kept as a trophy.
“It’s with a heavy heart that I report Ms. Cyrus, the beloved singer and actress known as America’s Sweetbutt, was viciously attacked by members of a pride of lions that we believe are from Zimbabwe, and in all likelihood are headed back there,” said Sheriff Rupert Law. “Deputies were first called to the scene when Ms. Cyrus’ body was discovered around ten in the morning by a housekeeper who, if we are to believe Hollywood movies, clutched her chest while uttering ‘dios mio’ as she frantically tried to communicate with a 911 dispatcher who kept repeating in a calm tone, ‘Ma’am, ma’am, ma’am, I can’t understand you. You’ll have to slow down.’”
The FBI believes the attack was a retaliation for the recent killing of Cecil, a prominent Zimbabwe lion, at the hands of a U.S. dentist.
Security footage shows that at 2:13 a.m. on Friday morning, three male lions leapt over an eight-foot security fence that surrounds Cyrus’ Hidden Hills home. Moments later, they can be seen climbing a tree and entering the residence through an open window. Nearly 30 minutes later, all three lions, covered in what appears to be blood and one clutching Cyrus’ head in its mouth, leave through the same window.
“These lions are smart,” said FBI spokesperson Barry Sterne. “They managed to get passports and visas into the U.S., stalk their prey for days using clues obtained from Cyrus’ social media updates, and then travel on foot all the way to Hidden Hills without arousing suspicion. As for the message on the wall, sure, the paw-writing is childlike, but we have to admit it’s impressive for a large cat without an opposable thumb. These lions are cold-blooded professionals, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this wasn’t the first time they killed.”
The location of the suspects is not known, but it is believed they snuck into Los Angeles Zoo and Botanical Gardens early Thursday morning for some quick mating with lionesses before boarding a flight back to Zimbabwe.
A source from within the secretive Zimbabwe lion community told the Dandy Goat’s African savanna correspondent that most lions are largely unaware of the killing of Cecil, as well as the gruesome revenge killing of the American celebrity, and that in fact most lions care little about anything other than sleeping, eating and screwing — in that order. Still, a new human head is always a big deal and a seller can ask for a hefty price, especially if the eyes are intact, as eating them is said to boost a male lion’s sexual stamina.