Markets rise, then fall, then rise, then fall again with Bernanke’s snoring

The markets on Wednesday rose sharply, then fell abruptly, then rose again and then dropped as Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke snored during an afternoon nap.

“The Fed chief’s powerful exhalation showed that he’ll lower interest rates,” said Sid Bernstein, analyst at Goldman Sachs. “Any inflation will be offset by increased investment and consumer spending.”

Seconds later, when the Fed chief’s deep inhalation was accompanied by an obnoxious sound that suggested he was suffocating, markets plunged. The Dow Jones plummeted 963 points, the largest ever four-second loss in history.

“Bernanke’s deep inhalation suggests a time of increased austerity,” Bernstein explained. “He’ll raise interest rates to keep inflation at bay, damaging already low levels of productivity and consumption.”

A moment later, as the Fed chief exhaled with a powerful, resounding snort that suggested the mating of a rhinoceros, the markets shot up 1002 points, regaining the losses from moments before.

“You can really see here that Bernanke has finally decided it’s time to pump more money into the economy,” Bernstein said. “We can’t take this slow growth anymore. He’s decided to take action.”

Approximately five seconds later, the Fed chief again inhaled, but this time he held his breath for a paralyzingly-long twelve seconds, suggesting to some investors that he was having severe breathing difficulty. This sent shock waves of fear around the globe that another recession was looming. Markets everywhere plummeted to record lows, while, consequently, governments pushed for austerity, protests turned into riots, and Bernanke rolled to his side, a move that returned his breathing to less labored and less annoying.

“Hopefully, this will return some stability to the markets,” Bernstein said.