Despite being the commander-in-chief of the most awesome military force in history, President Donald Trump chose for the soldiers of his coup attempt a few thousand rednecks armed with zip ties and firecrackers, according to Democrats leading the impeachment trial.
“It’s true that President Trump had at his disposal a couple million troops, a bunch of tanks, attack helicopters, and nuclear subs and all that,” said Rep. Jamie Raskin (D-Md). “But he realized they were no match for the sheer power of a bunch untrained yoyos armed with stuff you can buy in a hardware store.”
“Don’t inquire any further, because if you do, you’ll see our case rests on foundations of Play-Doh and pixie dust,” he added. “You also shouldn’t ask how the executive of the federal government can lead an insurrection against the federal government by encouraging supporters to respect the laws of the federal government.”
“Doing so will oblige you to perform some really terrific gymnastics in your mind that will make Nadia Comaneci at the 1976 Olympic Games look like Oprah losing her balance during a dash for a buffet.”
Sources indicate that despite the overall shakiness of the claims that Trump led an attempt to overthrow the government, the public will continue to overwhelmingly support impeachment because orange man is bad.