EMPORIA, Va. — Local fast-food worker Darren Grossebite, 24, who drives a beat-up 1991 Suzuki Swift, obviously has a large cock, according to onlookers familiar with the inverse correlation between the size of a man’s vehicle and his penis.
“The only reason any man would opt for such a puny car is because he’s ashamed of the expansive dimensions of his manhood, and he thinks that by driving a small car, no one will notice him and his fearsome beast,” said Greta Morgan, 32, a pedestrian and self-taught sexologist who observed Grossebite’s car stall at a stoplight last week. “But the trained eye knows better.”
The most common models for well-endowed men to drive are Ford Focus, Honda Fit, Kia Soul and Chevrolet Aveo, experts like Morgan say. And the older and more dilapidated the car, the bigger the junk. Also, a missing or broken stereo is a pretty good sign that a driver is well-hung.
“Beware of men who drive a Smart car, especially late 90s models, for those fellows are known to have some serious anacondas dangling between their legs,” Morgan said. “Mini Coopers, however, are a baffling exception to the rule. Men who drive Minis, true to the car’s name, generally sport micro-penises, two inches tops, according to data I’ve collected.”
Grossebite, who last year purchased his diminutive Swift for $350 after wrecking his newer model Toyota, makes every effort to conceal the fact that he drives such a small car, even going so far as to parking blocks away from his workplace and telling coworkers that he bikes to work. Still, his secret is impossible to keep from pedestrians and other motorists who spot Grossebite in his Lilliputian automobile and recognize him for what he is: a guy with a massive prick.
“The other day, I was trying to drive up a parking garage ramp, but the crappy little motor gave out and I rolled back a few feet and bumped into the car behind me,” Grossebite said. “The lady was so pissed off that she got out and demanded to know why I was driving such a weak little car, and then she said, ‘What’s the matter, got something to prove, got a huge dick or something?’”